resuscitated

Exactly 6 months ago, I got into a cycling accident. I was going downhill (fellow cyclists, you know how enjoyable downhill sections are) when a car to my left did a sudden right turn while I was going straight through. I had very little time to stop. We all know that no two units of matter can occupy the same space at the same time and so, needless to say, I lost in this said fight for space. My front wheel hit his front right tire, and I was sent flying over his car’s hood along with my bike (I was still clipped onto my pedals). I landed on the road and miraculously walked away with no broken bones, no cervical fracture, and my face was left unscratched. I did however sustain a concussion and some wounds on my fingers, arms, and elbow.

I have been unable to work since then. The first few months after the accident, my headaches were so bad that I couldn’t look at any screen including my phone without being sent to outer space. Looking left to right made me feel so nauseous that I stopped seeing people. I had a hard time looking at people’s faces and staying in conversation without feeling dizzy. Every basic task that I used to do was suddenly difficult. There were days that I could make food, there were days that it was impossible. I was in excruciating pain.

Worse, no one understood it. From the outside, I looked completely normal. There was no wound needing bandage around my head. I felt isolated from the world—anyone living in this day and age knows how we’re all “connected.”

A few months later, through the help of my therapists, encouragement and caring of friends, rehab exercises; I am now able to do most of the basic tasks that were taken away from me. However I am still recovering from the accident. I am still unable to work. I still live in a lot of uncertainty. When will I get healed completely? Will I be able to return to the work that I used to do? What if I couldn’t? What am I going to do today, tomorrow, next week? Literally, I am living day by day.

I am reminded of the Israelites that had to rely on the manna that fell from the heavens. They were given exactly what they needed. They weren’t allowed to keep extra because it would get spoiled the next day. They had just witnessed God’s mighty power: He brought plagues upon Egypt and parted the sea so that they could cross through while the Egyptians drowned. They had just finished singing to God praises for what He has done and the next minute, they were grumbling, “Oh we should have just died in Egypt!”

I speak of how miraculously I walked away from the accident. I have seen how God has moved throughout my treatments and recovery. It hasn’t been easy for sure and definitely not moving in MY timeline but I clearly see God’s hand—some days more than ever—depending on the condition of my heart. From the people that He has placed around me to the little details: the unexpected phone calls, the specialists, even in the setbacks—God is clearly there. In some ways I find peace and in some ways I sit in my frustration and anger at Him. Why this? Why me? What else do You want from me?

But at the end of the day, who else do I run to? Who else sustains me? Isn’t it the God who brought the Israelites out of Egypt, gave them manna – just exactly what they needed?

I don’t get what I want but I get what I need. It’s not easy. And even as I type that, my fingers resist and my eyes roll because deep down I think, “Do I really believe this?” There are days I’m not faithful. But through it all, God has been and continues to be faithful.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess, it’s my way of saying, “Do you see me?” (Isn’t that every heart’s deepest plea?) And maybe one other soul feels downcast and…alone. I just want to say, you’re not. And there is hope. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, there is. As cliché as it sounds, you are loved. Immensely. And admittedly, I need to tell myself that too.